Rain | Source
Rain | Source
| While most Climate Scientists would disagree, a Sydney woman claims to have discovered the cause of Global Warming. "It happened on my kitchen table" she said. Mrs Longsee noticed the rays of the sun this morning lighting up part of her kitchen table. "When I touched the sunny part it was warmer!" In a flash of inspiration she realized that she had discovered the cause of people marching all over the planet. One Australian Climate Scientist admitted that there may be a small chance that the Sun is somehow mysteriously affecting the Earths climate however he said that it is something that most modern Climate Researchers have not considered. Further he added that he is skeptical of clairvoyant inspirations. "We work with statistical facts not imaginary speculation" he said, in a brief statement to the press. |
| In a spectacular display of solidarity, Climate Scientists, are claiming that the Earth will heat up and explode in three weeks. Out of frustration and seeing all their theories disproved and ridiculed by solid evidence, they have now concocted a new frightening scenario, Global Destruction! New statistical evidence points to this apocalyptic ending which they say is going to happen quicker than you can say Jack Robinson |
| A well paid New York Climate Scientist has proved that it rains not long after a sunny period. "The conclusion is simple" he said at a Convention on Controversial Climate Theories (a quick way to make money). After long periods of observation and a careful statistical analysis, he said his proof is incontrovertible. This announcement was met with much acclaim and congratulatory praise from other Climate scientists who admit they found it hard to prove anything. |
| Climate Scientists have discovered the real cause of Climate Change... Sunspots! As the number of cell phones here on Earth, are dramatically on the increase, researchers have linked this trend with sunspot numbers. A new statistical analysis proves that man's obsession with cell phones is now disturbing the Sun's magnetic orientation. Man is directly responsible for this new Solar Instability, the report claims. On Sunday thousands are preparing to march Worldwide, against Climate Change on the Sun. "This time we won't be fooled" one organizer said after realizing that the last climate change march was a bark up the wrong tree. |
| With the release of new Satellite data indicating that there is in fact nothing wrong with the worlds climate, which has been very stable for the past 19 years, not warming or doing anything that warrants the last 20 years of Global Warming hysteria. The Society for the Protection of Climate Scientists is now warning of mass unemployment in the realm of Climate Science Research. This, they claim will affect greatly the thousands of budding Climate Scientists who have dedicated their studies to this new 'profession'. "There just won't be any jobs" said one specialist, "unless they invent some new problem," he added. This solution is now being studied by certain specialists in the field, who maintain that there may be a way to convert their alarmist theories to a Global Cooling theory, which they suggest would be even more scary than Global Warming! One expert stated that they can now do anything with statistics and thus there is no need to be completely pessimistic about the future of Climate Scientists. |
| At a recent meeting of Climate Specialists, anti-Climatic put this question to L. A. Miller, a retired Climatologist. His ready answer was "of course! I thought everybody knew this by now. Climate Scientists have not been around as long as Climatologists, someone cooked up this new name trying to make them look more modern than old school Climatologists. However now with all the scandals of Climate Scientists falsifying data, and manipulating statistics to promote Global Warming hysteria. The general public has now caught on to this taxation scam, and relegated climate science to the realm of pseudo science, not unlike astrology and tarot reading. Climatologists are much smarter, our predictions cover much longer periods, for example Climatologists predict that another Ice Age will occur within the next 150 thousand years. This we know for certain and you can bet money on it, and even if we are wrong who is going to complain? This is smart. Today, certain Climate Scientists are trying to jump ship and call themselves Climatologists, but we know who they are, and will quickly point our fingers if they try spreading any more climate doomsday propaganda." |
| A startling new study from a famous North American University reveals that human activities are the principle cause of climate change. As one observer remarked, (stating the obvious) "if we take man out of the equation, there wouldn't be any climate to worry about." You can read for yourself the shocking results of this study in which they have spared no detail, possibly including all records back as far 4026 BC. Here are the most important and revealing figures from this report "temperature trends generally range from -0.5 to +0.5 degrees per century." These measurements are necessarily in Fahrenheit, reminding us of the age old question "if God wanted us to use Celsius why did he invent Fahrenheit?" When the researchers were asked if they encountered any problems in measuring global temperatures they admitted that they had trouble finding thermometers that big and had to resort to "guesstimates" compromising somewhat the accuracy of their results. |
| While many of us used to imagine that the Sun was somehow important, we are now told that man is solely responsible for the rising temperatures anywhere on the Earth. One housewife in Brisbane has recently asked a panel of Australian Climate Scientists what would happen if the Russians blew up the Sun. They pointed out that with all the CO2 that is now in our atmosphere we wouldn't even need the sun, however warned that the Russian attempt to induce a Global cooling may backfire. |
| Seismologist finds new evidence of 'jogging tremors'. Global jogging trends are creating seismic waves that add up to earthquakes, he claims. After 35 years of careful measurement and an amazing statistical analysis of his wife's jogging habits, he has discovered alarming trends and resultant earthquakes in various locations over most of the planet. "The outlook is not good" he said at meeting with Civil Defense Coordinators, at the End of the World Earthquake Conference being held in a small restaurant situated on the San Andreas Fault. Some have criticized his findings as being overly fatalist and point to possible scare mongering even though none have actually seen his wife jogging. |
| A small group of people all joined hands at the base of the Bardabunga Volcano in Iceland on Saturday, chanting "we will over come" in an attempt to use the power of positive thought to prevent Bardabunga from the predicted massive explosion that will most certainly plunge the Earth into a merciless 'Volcanic winter' and quickly bringing to an end civilization as we know it. In New York organizers were preparing a large march Against Volcanos, and proclaiming that volcanic explosions are the result of man's meddling (possibly on the stock markets?) |
| Please note, the editor of anti-Climatic News is not responsible for the apocalyptic fear mongering of certain Climate Scientists quoted within these articles. Nor can we be held responsible for the fact that the term "climate change" is an ambiguous misnomer invented by unscrupulous Climate Scientists in an attempt to divert our attention from the real problem, which is POLLUTION! |